And now for Priest’s latest startling discovery: I was wandering through Wal-Mart the other day when I found myself in the pasta aisle, looking at the rice. I love rice. I love rice so much I suspect I’m half Chinese. But I rarely eat rice because, well, you have to cook rice. I can cook, but I don’t enjoy cooking and I’m basically lazy about it. When I occasionally get the urge for rice for dinner, I’ll usually stop in the local Chinese restaurant and pick up a container of steamed rice. I did that the other day—$4.50. $4.50 for a “large” (i.e. not tiny) container of steamed rice. Nearly five bucks for a bowl of rice! I looked at the woman at the counter like she was nuts. Then I wondered which of us was the real nut because I actually paid the $4.50. It wasn’t dinner, it was a Rice Mugging. It’s one of the reasons I rarely buy Chinese food here. For one, there really isn’t any good Chinese food here in Colorado Springs. I can’t quite explain it, but the Chinese and Italian people here seem awfully phony to me because they can’t cook. You cannot, write this down someplace, get a good pizza in Colorado Springs. I mean fuhgetaboudit. It’s all this commercial crap like Pizza Hut and Dominoes. In New York City, you can usually find really good, fall-down-and-die thick crust pizza on almost any street corner, and there are so many Hunan Balconies in Manhattan you can practically walk from Battery Park to the Bronx without ever setting foot on concrete.
But, here in Colorado, it’s all phony. The Chinese food and pizza here being the culinary equivalent of Muzak. And, at the risk of being un-politically correct, I’m not even sure these folks are Chinese. It’s the one big joke Asian people have on us (hi Hosun), that Thai and Indonesian and Vietnamese peoples can have their fun with us round eyes. Having worked with Larry Hama for four years, I used to pride myself in being able to distinguish Asian cultures and know, usually, when I am talking to a Chinese person as opposed to a Japanese person or a very tall Korean like Hosun Lee. But I’ve been living out here in the Intolerance Belt for awhile now, and, what with the Chinese food being so universally awful here, my ability to distinguish among those cultures is not quite as sharp as it once was (although I recently impressed a young woman by correcting a cashier who had politely and incorrectly assumed the woman was Chinese; the woman was clearly Filipino).
What makes this really ironic to me is it so clearly mirrors one of the scenes in Black Panther #1 where Ross is attempting to order Chinese food and attempts to impress T’Challa by speaking to the clerk in Mandarin. The grouchy clerk keeps screaming, “What? WHAT?!” at Ross until T’Challa intercedes, greeting the man in Tagalog, and informing him that Agent Ross believes the gentleman is Chinese (he was Filipino). Yes, my real life I now starting to mirror my comic books.
Back to Wal-Mart…
So I’m in this pasta aisle and I’m looking at the rice and it suddenly hits me: doesn’t Uncle Ben’s have some kind of quick rice solution that, no matter how pricey, still has to be a better deal than being Rice Sodomized by my local Chinese restaurant? Looking around, I saw something called Instant Rice, but I rejected that on the merits because you have to boil the bag in a pot of water—too much like cooking. I mean, I want Fifth Element Food: you know, in that movie where Milla Jovovich puts a pill in what seems to be a microwave oven and, ten seconds later, out comes a hot meal. That’s what I want: Pill Food. Lamenting the fact I’d either have to continue coughing up mortgage money for a bowl of rice, that’s when I saw it—the Holy Grail of Rice.
Uncle Ben’s apparently now has Rice For Lazy People: pre-cooked rice vacuum-sealed in microwaveable bags. You just zap the bag for 90 seconds—presto! You’ve Got Rice! I tell you, I heard angels singing, and I could almost swear everyone around me broke into song and carefully-choreographed dance, children leaping and tossing flower petals as fireworks went off in the rice aisle. Uncle Ben’s Lazy Rice comes in a wide variety of flavors, and it’s $1.67 a shot at Wal-Mart, almost 2/3rds less than Sodomy Rice.
My life has been changed forever.
Now things are so simple: grab a rotisserie chicken at the deli (under $5), grab some Uncle Ben’s Lazy Rice (under $2), and you’ve got a hot dinner (actually, two dinners as the chicken can usually last me two or more meals). With very little mess to clean up and absolutely no wife to argue with. I’m practically weeping as I write this, grateful that my life has finally plateaued at this divorcee nirvana. It’s not a perfect life, but it’ll do until Pill Food comes along.
14 Comments
Haha, thats one funny post, Priest. Good tip on the Lazy rice, now if I could just get mom's cassarole in a microwavable bagged form life would be perfect.
scrawled by Jp Pollard | June 21, 2007 9:27 AM
Ah, many a time have I resorted to the rotisserie chicken and lazy rice gambit. I actually like to cook but have no time for it. Lazy rice comes in mighty handy. Betty Crocker also has some splendid instant mashed taters. All you have to do is boil water and pour in the goods. Taters in seconds. Throw on some microwaved gravy in a jar and...mmmmm.
scrawled by Matt Wieringo | June 21, 2007 7:09 PM
I actually have tried those ricebags. I find the texture offputting, although I do keep one in the office as "emergency rations" (i.e. forgot to bring lunch, the lunch I brought was somehow inedible, etc).
I normally do Boil In Bag rice for dinner a few times a week. Then add shredded cheese, diced pepperoni and pizza sauce to it. Pizza rice! Make BOTH true Italian and true Chinese cuisine explode in indignation! ;)
(Side note: in an early issue of Soulsearchers, PAD has a potential recruit named Boilin' Bag.)
scrawled by David Van Domelen | June 23, 2007 9:58 AM
I'm avoiding rice due to health reasons right now. Try to lose some lbs. But what you describe may break me.
scrawled by Cooper | June 25, 2007 12:50 PM
Rice cookers work well.
scrawled by Thelmon | June 26, 2007 11:28 AM
Mr. Priest! Thelman is right - get a rice cooker! I used to use the boil in bag myself, til I started dating an asian guy, who laughed at me and showed me how to use this:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/289939
It's the easiest thing in the world to use. You put the rice and the water in, hit a button, walk away, and five minutes later you have perfect rice! I know, I know, I'm getting excited about a kitchen appliance, but trust me, its the greatest thing ever!
Back to lurking... thanks! :D
scrawled by janet | June 28, 2007 9:58 PM
Janet, how well do they do with sub-full loads, though? Also, one advantage of boil in bag is that I already have a cooktop, but I'd need to make space for a rice cooker. :)
scrawled by David Van Domelen | June 28, 2007 11:42 PM
Janet:
Wow-- I'm an idiot. I had no idea about these things. They automatically switch to "warming" when the rice is done so I don't have to remember to monitor the cooking!
Wow, this might be a life-changing device...
BTW: if I might inquire: what's the fun of lurking? It appears only a micro-fraction of people who visit here actually post anything. Usually when I visit blogs, I can't help but butt in. what am I missing?
scrawled by priest | June 29, 2007 11:22 AM
The Hamilton Beach Elecric Grill works well, has removable plates, and cost far less than a George Foreman Grill.
scrawled by Thelmon | July 4, 2007 1:04 AM
Wow, I can comment on your blog again! (for some odd reason, Typekey wouldn't let me)
As for the joy of lurking, most people look at blogs the same way they do public access tv or talk radio or op-ed pieces in the papers. Whether or not you share the persons opinion, its usually interesting to hear it or read it, but that doesn't mean you want to discuss it with them.
scrawled by Slick | July 10, 2007 12:00 AM
I grew up reading rice & beans. I cannot live without it. :)
scrawled by Jorge | July 10, 2007 4:00 PM
Priest; love you dearly. Wish that I was going to see you at the Comic-Con this weekend. I agree with you about the rice. Only one caveat- stay outta Wal-Mart. It is an evil, evil thing. Love you immensely. Holla at ya boy.
scrawled by Freeman Jack | July 25, 2007 9:16 PM
wow...all the chinese take out joints around here will give you a small takeout box of steamed rice for a buck...I'm near greensboro, nc.
scrawled by tim petty | July 31, 2007 6:11 PM
Probably the difference between those of us who like to cook... and those who - well - don't... but the kids ate up a concoction (steamed - with a bit of peanut oil and soy sauce - veggies from our garden: tomatoes, eggplant, pepper, onion, snow peas) tossed over a big ol' plate of rice (which took less time to cook than the topping).
The key (as I learned from my learned wife) is to saute the rice in a bit of oil first so that it doesn't end up in a gloppy mess at the end... not that I'd have any experience with that outcome.
scrawled by Scott | August 15, 2007 2:35 PM